With Roommates Like These
by RamBanjo
Summary: What happens when you get a candy addict as a roommate? Or a shell-shocked war-veteran? Things can get a little messy here... A story on how things would turn out if a tree friend shares a room with another. Hilarity Ensues. Rated T just to be safe.


**Y'all know that Mondo Media owns this stuff, right? Therefore, I do not claim the possessions of any characters represented here.**

**Anyways, this is a fic that came to my mind when I imagined having Cuddles having Nutty as a roommate, and Nutty would steal Cuddles' candy, including the chocolate Giggles gave him on Valentine's Day. Then this comes to my mind...**

* * *

**_Name: _**_Nutty the Squirrel_

**_Appearance: _**_Lime green, with candy all over. Mismatched eyes._

**_Traits: _**_Likes sugar a bit too much. Will do anything for it. Really. Will choose candy over his friend's life._

* * *

**_Why Nutty won't make a good roommate:_**

**Reason # 1: He steals your candy.**

"Woah!" Cuddles exclaimed after seeing the contents of the fridge. "I remembered that I bought some candy yesterday…I think I knew what is going on…"

Cuddles approached Nutty, who is playing video games. Next to a box full of caramel toffee.

"Hey Cuddles how's it going?" asked Nutty. "Oh, by the way, we ran out of candy. Can you grab some when you go out?"

Cue a groaning Cuddles walking to the supermarket.

**This may not be a very big problem if you aren't into candy, but imagine this:**

"Happy Valentine's day, Cuddles," said Giggles as she give Cuddles a box of chocolate.

"To you too, my dear Giggles," replied Cuddles, with a smile.

**…The Next Day…**

Cuddles woke up, and there are no prizes for guessing what happens next.

"Man, what a day…" said Cuddles, while he is navigating himself to the kitchen.

"Oh hi there, Cuddles!" greeted Nutty, while he is eating the chocolates Giggles gave Cuddles. " I'm just having breakfast."

"GRAAAAAAAH!"

Cue Cuddles being tried in a court and charged for murder.

**Reason #2: Ants. Sweet things attract ants. This may not be so bad if you are an anteater, but keep in mind that the ants are different in this world.**

"Keep 'em coming, keep 'em coming!" Sniffles joyfully exclaimed as he is eating ants. Nutty is still playing the video game, and he moved the fridge next to the couch.

**Looks pretty fine, right? However...if you look close enough...you can see soldier ants.**

"Sir! We are under attack!" reported an ant soldier.

"We must unleash…our ultimate weapon!" commanded the ant general. The general went to the base's computer system, and pressed a big red button.

*KA-BOOM!*

A big explosion occurred, turning Sniffles into a pile of dust and a pair of glasses, turning the whole apartment block into a pile of rubble, and yet, Nutty didn't notice a thing. The only part of the building that is intact is Nutty's room; complete with the TV set, a video game console, a fridge and a couch with a perfectly healthy (not mentally) Nutty.

"Sniffles? I thought I told you to not bring your work back home…" complained Nutty, who is still playing the video game.

**Reason #3: Whenever it is Nutty's turn to cook, everything will be made of sugar. God help you if you are diabetic.**

"What's on the menu today?" asked Toothy.

"Let's see here…we have chocolate bacon, jelly baked beans, cinnamon toast with sugar, and coffee."

"Dude, I think you should call the third one 'cinnamon toast buried in sugar, and what the hell is that coffee made of? I thought you hate bitter stuff!"

"Oh you mean this? It's made from jelly beans. With extra sugar, of course," replied Nutty.

"Here goes nothing…" sighed Toothy as he buried his teeth in the chocolate bacon. "Hey, that's not bad!"

"See, I told you that you would love it!"

"I think I'll try the coff-"

*SPLAT*

Toothy's stomach exploded in a bloody fashion, and only his feet remains. Organs fly everywhere and Nutty is covered in blood.

"Hey, he loved my cooking so much he exploded!"

**Reason #4: You can't steal his candy if he stole your candy. Even if it's stolen from you.**

"So, Cuddles, have you seen my-" Nutty was about to ask if Cuddles have seen his box of chocolate which he refer to as 'my one true love', but what he saw was very shocking.

"This is for MY Valentine, sucker!" Cuddles gave a menacing smile and bit on a piece of chocolate from Nutty's chocolate box.

"GRAAAAAAH!"

Cue Nutty being tried in a court and charged for murder with a giant lollipop.

* * *

**_Remedy:_**

**Remedy #1: Be a badass. Nutty may be crazy, but he knows who not to mess with.**

"Say, Flippy, can you lower that knife? I am uncomfortable. Pretty much uncomfortable."

"Well, do you promise you won't steal any candy?"

"I promise!"

Flippy lowered his knife away from Nutty's throat. Nutty then proceed to run to the fridge and steal candy.

Flippy flipped (the bird) at Nutty, rolled his eyes and walk kind of badass eats candy, anyway?

**Remedy #2: The Old Switcheroo. Switch around salt and sugar. Hilarity will obviously ensue.**

"Where did you keep the sugar?" asked Nutty. "I can't have my jelly bean coffee with sugar…"

"It's on the shelf," replied Sniffles.

Nutty saw two jars, one is labeled salt and one is labeled sugar. He took the sugar jar and dumped the contents in his mug. He then drank from his mug, only to find out that Sniffles just switched the labels of the two jars.

"How's your coffee?" asked Sniffles tauntingly.

"Are you trying to kill me, you freaking anteater?" yelled Nutty. Only 'freaking' wasn't the word he used.

**You can also try the 'reverse psychology' variant.**

"It's on the shelf," replied Sniffles. "And oh, I changed the labels back."

"Heh heh heh…" chuckled Nutty. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I'm a madman, not a fool!" Nutty then dumped the contents of the jar labeled 'salt' in his coffee, only to find that Sniffles had already switched the labels back.

"How's your coffee?" taunted Sniffles, once again. "You sure like your coffee SALTED!"

"Not funny!" blasted Nutty, slightly before he groaned. Suddenly, the door was kicked down…by Handy.

"You just infringed my copyright by using my trademark groan without permission! You'll pay for this!" Handy tried to point at Nutty, but he had no hands to point Nutty with, so he groaned.

**Remedy #3: Make a deal with…you know…for a lifetime supply of candy.**

"Nutty, look what we got here!" announced Cuddles as Nutty came in the room. "It's a lifetime supply of candy!"

"WOOO!" cheered Nutty as he dived into the pile of lifetime supply of candy. "I love you, candy! How'd you get this awesome stuff?"

"I agreed to sell a soul…for this," said Cuddles.

"You WHAT?!" exclaimed Nutty. "You sell a soul to whom?"

"Satan," answered Cuddles. "I sold a soul to him."

Nutty gasped for a second. Nothing good ever happens after someone sold a soul to this old man.

"But whose soul was it?" asked Nutty.

"Your chocolate box's soul."

"WHAT? YOU SON OF A JACKRABBIT! YOU DUMB MOOSE! YOU SOLD MY WIFE'S SOUL? I SWEAR, I WILL KILL YOU AND NO ONE WILL HEAR OF CUDDLES THE RABBIT, EVER AGAIN!" Nutty is now very furious. He grabbed a giant lollipop and tried to smash Cuddles into a pulp of flesh, but all his attacks missed. Suddenly, a being clad in red suddenly appeared.

"Stop!" he commanded. "What are you fighting about?"

"Oh, there you are, Satan," greeted Cuddles. "Nutty thought I sold his wife's soul to you."

"Satan? That's no Satan, that's SANTA! Look, he got a red hat, he got a long, white, beard, and he is even with Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer! How could you mistake him for Satan?" ranted Nutty. "By the way, did Cuddles sell my wife's soul to you?"

"Never heard of her," said Santa. "Cuddles was probably joking!"

"IT WAS A JOKE?! I SWEAR I'LL KILL YOU!" Nutty then continue his attack on Cuddles, but Cuddles was too fast for him to hit.

"Well, anyway, I'm here to collect a soul," said Santa. He pointed at Nutty. "You. Yes, you. Cuddles got the lifetime supply of candy for your soul."

"YOU SON OF A JACKRABBIT!" Nutty screamed as Santa dragged him away to North Pole.

**Remedy #4: Move to Soviet Russia.**

"…Because in Soviet Russia, candy eats you!" concluded Toothy. "Is that clear, Nutty?"

Nutty was already reduced to a pile of bones. His flesh was already eaten by candies. A caramel beast approaches Toothy, and before Toothy can do anything, the beast got the best of him and ate him up in one gulp. It then burped up Toothy's skeleton.

* * *

**_The Last Straw:_**

**If, however, Nutty still persists on stealing your candy, and you've decided that you've lost the last straw, you will have to 'evict' him. ONLY ATTEMPT AS LAST RESORT!**

"Here, Nutty. All of this is for you," said Cuddles. A large bowl of Mentos is in front of him.

"REALLY?!" Nutty could not believe it. He then thought to himself… "Really? Why would he give me candy? After what I had done to him? After all, I tried to kill him intentionally for countless times just for more sugar, stole his Valentine's Day Chocolate, and never did the dishes, but here he is, offering me more candy?! Seems suspicious, but as long as I get candy…"

"YAY!" Nutty enlarged his mouth and ate the whole bowl, Mentos and all. Cuddles suddenly stood up and with a bottle of Diet Coke in hand, and began to empty the bottle by pouring the Coke in Nutty's throat.

"I'm sorry…" apologized Cuddles. "This is how it has to be…Farewell."

"So it has come to this…" thought Nutty. "I knew there was something fishy going on!"

When the bottle is emptied, Cuddles covered Nutty's mouth with adhesive tape and ducked under the table.

**…The Next Day…**

Petunia was selling newspapers.

"Extra! Extra!" she announced. "Read all about it! Candy-addict found dead in apartment, rabbit roommate nowhere to be found!"

Handy walked by and took notice.

"Well, he'll be well and healthy soon," said Handy. "Gimme one of that."

Petunia handed Handy a newspaper, Handy tried to reach for it, but he can't, because of that one obvious problem. Handy groaned and walked away. Petunia just rolled her eyes and continues to announce today's headline.

* * *

**Woo!**

**Obviously have more to come. Flippy, anyone?**


End file.
